It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
