If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
