if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
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I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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