She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
