Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
