We got so high we made milksteak
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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