I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm like, not good at living.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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