it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
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Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
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I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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