Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
