A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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