Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
