Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
