i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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