he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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