He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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