I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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