I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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