dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
