Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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