Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Randomize
