I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
