Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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