Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
