I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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