i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
