I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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