my being single is dangerous.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We're too hungover to prance.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
