I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
