woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
