On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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