youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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