Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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