Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
