I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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