Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Couch. On fire.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
