Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize