her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
