Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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