im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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