Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
