Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
