Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
