I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
