Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
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when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
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Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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