Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
