you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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