I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
