Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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