meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
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my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
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So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
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