i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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