K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
