yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
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You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
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This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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