I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
