It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
