Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
