hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
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