I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
